THE TOOLS OF THE SHADE TREE MECHANIC

 Many of you may well have seen some of these before but, they are essential tools for the
workshop:




DRILL PRESS:
 A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching the flat metal bar out of your hands so that
it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that
freshly stained heirloom piece that you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
 Cleans paint off bolts then throws them somewhere under the workbench. Also good for
removing fingerprints from fingers in the time it takes to say "Oh S***!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
 Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes.

SKILL SAW:
 A portable cutting device used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
 Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters. A tool most
often used by women.

BELT SANDER:
 An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch up jobs into a major refinishing
task.

HACKSAW:
 One of the family of cutting tools built on the OUija Board principle. it transforms human energy
into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you tryto influence its course the more 
dismal the outcome.

VISE GRIPS:
 Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

WELDING GLOVES:
 Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
 Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. 

WHITWORTH TOOLS:
 Once used for working on obselete British Trials bikes, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 15/16 socket that you have been searching for.

TABLE SAW:
 A large stationary power tool commonly used to lauch wood projectiles for testing workshop 
wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT & STUD EXTRACTOR:
 A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby
ending any possible future use.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 24 INCH SCREWDRIVER:
 A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See Hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
 Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for twisting off old oil filters while
splashing your shirt with dirty oil. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

FLAT HEAD SCREWDRIVER:
 A tool for opening paint cans. Also used to convert slotted screws into non removable screws.




AIR COMPRESSOR:
 A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an Adelaide Pneumatic impact wrench
that grips allen bolts in fork legs and instantly rounds out their heads. Also used to snap off
lug nuts.



PRY BAR:
A tool used to damage alloy, top of fork legs etc while trying to remove worn out seal.




HAMMER:
 Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used to as a divining rod
to locate the most expensive part adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women use it
to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
(as Father said " Don't force it.... Get a Bigger Hammer")

CRESCENT WRENCH:
 Adjustable wrench used in place of the proper tool. Generally rounds off bolts slower than
pliers but with the same effect. Also used as hammering device.

MICROMETER:
 A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In 
emergency situations it can double as a "C" clamp.



Shade Tree