BUT I DON'T SING






 Travelling round the World as Her Majesty's Ambassador there is often a requirement to be a
public speaker, racconteur, master of ceremonies........ but Ballard Singer????

 Of course many members of various Squadrons that I've been on have had superb voices, as
indeed were some of the trials fraternity, but yours truly was not gifted in that department,
although I was always happy to hum along with the choir or join in with the massed chorus
......... I think I would have got a blank look and a curt "THANK YOU!" from Simon Cowell.

 So, what's a man to do?

 Well,  I was having lunch with an old friend of mine, Bill Shakespeare, and he suggested I take
a different tack and be a "Thespian". He said he had the makings of a script for a play but, to
date it just wasn't coming together, so I could have it and improvise a little and try it out at some
local taverns before going National or even Global. I duly studied the script and tried to get round
some of the early Anglo-Saxon language of the part and while I am quite familiar with the words
and their meanings I have listed them for the reader for easy reference should he or she get lost
when we give the rendition





GLOSSARY:

T'was                                          It was

Sal-iis-berry                               Salisbury

SW-war-d                                   Sword

Charger                                       Horse

Ho-Hag                                        Good day Madam

The Gentle Lady Ann                  Local Tart in the Castle

Hast?                                           Have you?

Gallant                                         Bold, Brave, Chivalrous, definitely NOT gay

Band                                            Group of, more than 1, not musical

ME                                                A Name I call myself

far                                                a bloody long way

Laid                                              Out of, exposed, open

Prithy                                           Excuse me

Nay                                              No




 So, finally I have my rough draft and I go back to Bill with my version of his discarded
"Richard The Lionheart" and after listening, the Bard suggests that it could work in cabaret if I
keep it to one Act. He further suggests that all the necessary props are usually available in any
"Ale House" or kitchen of any "Restaurant of Good repute". He is not interested in any commission
as he has already finished "Richard II" and is currently working on the sequel, "Richard III" both
of which went on to be best sellers I believe.

 OK, so if you want to try this at home, cabaret, or to impress management for free food and
beverages, these are the items you will need (usually available from fine dining kitchens)

 One large knife
 Kitchen Mop
 Metal vegetable collander
 Table Cloth .... any color
 Metal Lid with handle from servery Hot Plate

 Now using the archive photographs use props to dress accordingly.



   So now, armed with your new knowledge, ..... When Simon asks you to sing and you normally
decline saying "But I don't Sing" you are now in a position to add "BUT I DO, DO CABARET"


HERE WE GO........    enter stage left or right......





 T'was on the field of Sal-iis-berry
We had fought long and hard, this, many a day
(drop head...pause)
(Raise Head, gesture with knife)
EACH upon his own worthy charger,
EACH with his SW-war-d, laid naked from the scabbard,... and gleaming in the sun,
EACH with the Red Cross of St George upon his breast.
(pause for effect)
I didst look across that field of Sal-iis-berry and, in the far dis-tance dids't espy a Hag
I didst urge on my worthy charger
(take care not to drop the mop as you shuffle forward)
Ho Hag! hast thou seen a gallant band of Knights,
EACH dressed as myself?
EACH upon his own worthy charger,
EACH with his SW-war-d laid naked from the scabbard,... and gleaming in the sun 
EACH with the Red Cross of St George upon his breast
(pause)
Nay Sire, I hast not seen this Gallant Band of Knights, this many a day
(note audience response)
(find another female, more shuffling)
I didst come across the Gentle Lady Ann,





Prithy, Lady Ann, Hast thou seen a Gallant band of Knights,
EACH dressed as myself,
EACH upon his own worthy charger,
EACH with his SW-war-d, laid naked from the scabbard,... and gleaming in the sun
EACH with the Red Cross of St George upon his breast

She didst look, at me and grieve a most grievious heavy sigh, and didst say
Nay Sire
(pause, allow laughter to subside)
(while saying the following line, open knees allowing mop to fall on floor)
I didst get down from my worthy charger,
and didst gaze across that field of Sal-iis-berry
and didst say
(pause)
Well where the F*** have they Gone..?




  This act has been presented in many Public Houses and fine Hotels throughout the United
Kingdom and Europe and has also toured the Falklands, North America, The Mediterranean,
Saudi Arabia and the Far East. 

Thanks Bill



 




 On location, even an "artiste" must sleep


From the Annals of Stupidity..............sorry!




TONY DOWN