They’ll never fall for this one, will they ?

Having just watched the Tour De France I have been bombarded by mindless commercials and apart
from the parasitic lawyers trying to get money from companies for nothing the vast majority of these
never ending ads are for “medical conditions” most of which the average human being has never
heard of. The latest in this long line of mystery illnesses that we all need a hospital full of expert
Doctors on hand to answer our dumb arsed questions is “Low T”……. now honestly is this yet another

It would appear that I’m surrounded by a world of sickly individuals who spend their entire life asking
their Doctor if some pill is “right for them” to control an illness they might not even have! The power of
brainwashing is quite unbelievable. It seems  that nobody can die from anything other than some
form of the big C, well maybe that is true, and as none of us are getting out of here alive, and true
medical science has moved on a bit, maybe any death has an element of Cancer related to it.

However, I have to ask myself whatever happened to dying of “natural causes” and “old age” or “heart
attacks” and “strokes”? It now seems the entire nation is petrified of cancer and we will all become
diabetics with high cholesterol and face the risk of heart attacks caused by illnesses we never knew we
had or experienced any symptoms. It seems the Medical world is dreaming up new illnesses every
week and of course creating a “pill” to ensure it’s “right for us” after yet again asking our personal
hospital full of Doctors.

Which one is right for you ? ………all of them!

Should you be unlucky enough to contract one of these mystery illnesses  the treatment and cure is
far worse than the “condition” encompassing such delights as nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, diarrhea,
headaches, loss of semen, anal leakage and of course one must never rule out DEATH!……..

Lets look at some of these ridiculous theoretical diseases and the “new pill” we should be taking;

FLOWMAX: The ad shows 4 overweight elderly golfers dashing off to the men’s room ……. any surprise
here? I would have thought if you drink a can of beer for each of the 18 holes sooner or later you are
going to have to pee!…….. treatment drink shorts or carry a hip flask!

BEANO: If you persist in eating beans, brussel sprouts, cabbage and other members of the brassica
family you will fart!  Remedy eat something else if you are going to be in company.

RESTATIS: Dry eye or the lack of ability to cry? Don’t be worried about being happy, you don’t have to
be miserable. Blink more often and don’t go out in the desert in windy conditions.

RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME: Are you serious??? If you have restless legs go for a WALK!

The Opposite of Restless Legs= PAD, tiredness of the legs after a long day, remedy sit down and put
your feet up!

NEW: Restless Arm Syndrome, coming soon from a medical company near you, the inability to stop
“Hi-Fiving” and other ridiculous gestures. Remedy stop watching mindless sport and wear a straight

I wonder what is coming next? Another variety of flu no doubt, we have had birds and farm animals
perhaps something from the oceans, how about Whale Flu or The Dolphin Syndrome where we “click”
as we sneeze?

Definitely “Clicking”

On a more serious note there are a couple of them out there which I discovered when I asked “A”
Doctor. Sorry I don’t have one of my own so I had to get my questions in while he was on break. My old
Doctor, when I was in the Royal Air Force generally prescribed the same medication and after
reviewing the symptoms would usually say “In a case like this my son, my advise to you is drink

The first of these diseases and ailments that I appear to have been suffering from all my life has no
known cure it is called ANDRENALITIS, the thrill of being alive and normal and getting a thrill from
DOING things!!! This can be as wacky as enjoying life, your job, careering around in a fighter jet, being
in love with your wife and family, looking forward to a good steak (to hell with cholesterol, we are MEAT
eaters) enjoying sports, sex, gardening, eating, fine wines and drinking, fast cars, skiing, motor sports,
rugby and when tired, very strangely enjoying a good nights sleep. As the Doctor said at best you can
expect a long and happy life, at worst you will kill yourself!

And finally the one that seems to be bugging me the older I get, TRIALITIS VULGARIS. The fear of not
riding the common Sunday Trial. Yes, my friends this is a real “Biggey” and I’m told will not go away
despite several attempts at retirement it just keeps coming back. The more time you spend away from
it the worse it gets. So what is this terrible affliction? What are the symptoms? and if there is no known
cure what remedies are there available to mitigate the problems.

Of course like most diseases it is possible to contract it but for the most part I believe it is Hereditary
and I would use the Lampkin family as a classic case in point. Theirs of course is classed as “Chronic”
and even the youngest Lampkin is already smitten with the bug and may well go the same way as his
father and grandfather before him, not to mention uncles and other members of the family who are
riddled with this most complex affliction.

1950 and my father, Frank Down on the Norton

My Uncle and Godfather, Tom Arter

It used to be that none of the symptoms were present until the age of around 7 when sometimes a
young child was hauled round to a Pub car park or village sports ground where anything up to 200 other
sufferers could be seen on a Sunday morning wearing isolation suits of grab green waxed cotton and
flat caps marking them as other “no-hoper’s” or “terminal”. By the time the poor child had been
transported down muddy lanes, through rock strew gorges, across bleak grassy hillsides and through
woods filled with bottomless mud holes the first symptoms were already apparent. Persistent exposure
during rain and snow across the winter months meant that by puberty the afflicted child was now
begging to have one of these strange machines before his or her 16th birthday. As they say from that
point on the rest is history.

16, on the  1961 Greeves Scottish (1962)

There may be brief respites from the disease during life but it usually comes back to haunt the patient
sometimes manifesting itself in the form of “section dreaming” where the TRIALITIS sufferer finds
themselves gazing at hillsides while driving, visualizing Begins and Ends cards where others just see
trees and rocks. At other times, while walking with children and dogs the sufferer sees the same white
markers in river beds and flowing water noting steps, hazards and recovery zones. This can sometimes
be distracting at a friends garden party where the afflicted find themselves planning a route through
their neighbor’s rockery and fish pool.

Other symptoms, during a period of enforced inactivity, can be when the patient goes missing for 1
hour periods and can usually be found in the workshop aimlessly looking at the machine and changing
components for no apparent reasons. Polishing pieces of bright alloy may also be noted during this
stage. Other addictions may be evident with continual computer visits to Trials Central and the Todo
Trials website.

More mindless polishing

After much clinical research it seems the only way to ease the patient’s suffering is to actually go to an
event and ride.The ideal cure is at least one trial to be taken every 2 weeks, usually after breakfast. It
should be noted that after the event the sufferer will spend long periods of silence on the drive home
as he relives every loop on a section by section basis, looking to see where lost marks and unforced
errors could have been saved.

47 years later, still suffering from the “Bug”

So for those of you also afflicted I HAVE asked my DOCTOR and he has prescribed 2 days at
Cotopaxi at the end of August and then 3 days in Casper Wyoming the following weekend, we wait to
see if there is any improvement in the patient’s condition.

“Doctor  I’m very worried about him, he is out in the garden going round
and round in figure 8’s and won’t come in for his supper”

My advise is “Drink Heavily!”


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