THE TRIALS BUG

THE TRIALS BUG


THE TRIALS BUG

Two “bugs” in retro Yam colors, leader still clean, back man footing!

I know I have waxed lyrical on the subject but it is interesting to see the number of newbies on Trials
Central who have now caught the disease.  As we all know there is NO known cure and once afflicted
the patient must endure a lifetime with the problem.

For just about all diseases, other than the common cold, which I feel sure the Pharmaceutical
companies have cured, but won’t tell so they leave us in misery with Nyquil as about the only remedy
that does anything  …..  for everything else there is a drug to deal with the problem, despite the side
effects which from the advertizing are often far worse than the original problem. Not forgetting all the ridiculous diseases (so called) like RLS and Low T, and now they have another band wagon and all
its expensive remedies in “Dry Mouth” ???

So just two major illnesses to deal with, “The Common Cold” and “Trials”.  As they say about the cold
it will last about 7 days with drugs, potions, vapour rubs, syprups, lozenges and massive doses of
vitamin C or left to the bodies immune system it will last about a week…….. not so with Trials !!

While the disease in many cases is hereditary and if you are born into one of these families it is very
unlikely that you will escape its affliction. If we look globally we can see many families where this is the
case and no other medical explanation is provided……..in the UK the worst afflicted families seem to
be centered in Yorkshire where the Lampkin family have a very bad dose of the disease for decades
with all family members afflicted. Others that immediately come to mind are the Sunters, where it has
spread to the female of the species and of course brothers Bill and Mick Wilkinson and many father
and son situations like the Gaunts.

Worst recorded case in history:  Dougie Lampkin MBE
12 x  World Trials Championships,  5 time Winner SSDT

Not limited to just Yorkshire I can throw in many other examples including the Adsett brothers and of
course Tony and Mal Davis. Many other cases have been reported but these stand out as classic
examples. Further north in the wilds of Scotland three generations of the Moffat family have been so
cursed with all riding the SSDT and now Big John has become obsessed with Bultaco building.

It has spread across the globe with the Lejeunes in Belgium, Fracys in Canada and multiple
outbreaks even here in the USA. All our current US contenders have had this disease passed down
through the genes and here I offer up the Webbs, Ropers, Tuckers, Saums, Ginders, Belvoirs and Martinsons as classic examples.

From research it would seem no violent outbreaks have ever been reported in South America, The
Middle East, the Polar regions or the Falklands although some dimwit was seen racing around the
Islands in 1981.

So how is this disease passed on or contracted ? Little research seems to have  been done here
and perhaps the manufacturers should spend more money in this area rather than worry about Stop
or No Stop rules. From my studies it would seem that “conditioning” plays an all important part in the
bodies failure to recognize the first symptoms. Very often children and some adults are lured into
areas where the condition is rife and slowly but surely they are absorbed like the Borg !

“Resistance is futile……. you will be absorbed”

It often starts with children around the age of 5 upwards being dragged off by father to some major motorcycle dealership, village pub with large parking lot or a countryside village sportsground on a
Sunday morning. As most current trials do not include the roadwork of yesteryear a lot of these venues
are now in quarries, private land or some very generous farmer’s holdings. In days of yore the
unsuspecting would be treated to a vista of strange motorcycles and an even stranger bunch of
owners all dressed in drab olive green waxed Egyptian cotton, not dissimilar from a farmers shoot,
and for the mostpart all wearing the traditional “flatcap” with or without googles.

Days of yore  Flat cap, goggles and the good old barbour suit

Today our unafflicted individual could be forgiven for thinking that they had been taken to some sort
of “gay meet” as seemingly normal people suddenly change into tight fitting lyrca pants and strange
helmets with peaks so far back you wonder what they are for?

Stretch lycra for young and old

Further conditioning is now enhanced by trudging uphill and down dale, up muddy banks, along wet
or dry streambeds full of rocks, gazing at mammoth climbs and descents and marvelling at these
strange people and machines whizzing about between tapes and marker cards. Some stay on, some
fall off, some struggle, others don’t, legs flail, mud is everywhere, several cuss but everybody smiles? Eventually “newbie” asks the duty dumb questions;

“What are they trying to do ?”

There now follows a blow by blow account from the handbook and our newcomer has his or hers
baptism of rules and regs. Further questions now follow;

Five ?

“Was that a 5?” etc etc ………. and finally it happens……….. the “unsuspecting” is plonked on board one
of these strange full size machines……… well if its a young child he or she can’t get off,  their feet can’t
touch the ground, and they can only just reach the full width bars…….. no matter they will grow!

“Hey yup lad, point tit tup ‘ill un gee it a squirt… an don’t sit down!”

A recent study by emminent doctors was printed in “The Lancet” and they have postulated that the
bug maybe contracted via the anal cavity by coming into contact with the seat on one of these strange machines. This would also account for manufacturers  (who may be guilty of insider trading or
industrial espionage) lowering the seat height on modern trials bikes to afflict younger and younger
children and those that we shall say are “vertically” challenged.

A very interesting concept and indeed one that would seem reasonable as once bitten the “trials
rider” never comes into contact with that “seat” again and spends his entire riding time standing up.
True, it may have become addictive and one can often see riders sitting on their machines pre start
perhaps obtaining another  “quick fix” before setting off.

Well whatever it is and however you get it,  you will have it for life.

“YOU have been absorbed”

TONY DOWN

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